notes on turning 26

• i had my quarter life crisis in the last week of my 26th year. where i was physically repulsed by what i had become. or what i saw of myself. when i felt like i was in a movie that was dragging for that annoying last hour. when i was wallowing in completely unfounded misery. or i was just so miserable, that i couldn't put my finger on the reason why. it has to happen, when these milestones swish past you, reminding you of the expiry date on your dreams and promises you made to yourself. or, as in my case, reminding me that i haven't even dreamt yet, haven't even taken the risk of making a promise to myself.

• the irony of this year is that i have only just begun to welcome vanity as an ally. probably 15 years too late? after a lifetime of condemning it as the dullest to entertain. having made fun(privately and publicly) of all who take self-indulgence a little too far, while all the time, falling deeper and deeper in love with this "notion" of self that i had imagined.

• burnt bridges - i have run so far from so many. there's one that i cried back to life. and i am glad that i did. but the others remain as heaps of ash around me, begging to be resurrected. but i lack the courage, and blame it on a lack of interest. all of it making little difference, as i try to ignore the phone that never rings. instead i pick on idle gossip and whip up silly arguments with third or fourth persons, and feel vindicated and victorious afterwards.

• of course, once the hangover wears out, one begins to attempt to straighten one's head and life out. and to convince oneself, that there is enough time. to make something of oneself. and that is not the un-coolest thing to do. i sometimes wonder if the irreverence that i try to present to the world is sometimes perceived as some manner of "flakiness". i don't want to be a flake. not at 26. frankly, all i feel like doing right now, is to scream from a rooftop ... "oh dear lord, what i have i done?!". yes, that would be the drama queen speaking, but then...